Asian funeral etiquette – What’s wrong with you people

Just like my childhood hero Miah Mithu. Who the hell was Miah Mithu anyway? Where did he come from? And why was he always getting himself into so much bother? Answers on a comment please.

But even Miah Mithu would be ashamed of how certain people act at gatherings to mourn a death. Five minutes of peace and quiet is all I ask. No mobile phones bleeping off...no talk about how the Indian elections have gone....no talk about stupid stupid business ideas....and most of all no talking about motors.

What kind of idiot walks into someones front room at a time like that to talk about worldly affairs? It seems there's quite a few of us. Within sixty seconds someone always has to say...'Sanah Phir'. The conversation usually goes downhill from there and god forbid two people don't agree about some issue or other. The rest of the people sit around and watch as two of the greatest minds of Britain talk it out for the next hour or so.

Whilst this is going on, one wise gentleman would sit between both of them agreeing with everything. Does this guy get paid for doing this?

Also gone are the days when the siblings would be praised for doing absolutely nothing. Now it's a case of who can make the most fun out of his own son. 'My boys a proper nakama...he can't even read.' says the first man.

'Well my boy doesn't even try.' says the second and so on and so on.

It's had such an effect on me...I would remove my magnetic earring, wear some glasses and pretend I'm still at University whenever I have to sit among them.

And why on earth is there still a brother who never...ever...changes his clothes. He drives a BMW...and owns three properties...but you'll never see him in new set of clothes....even on Eid. The same top...the same trousers...even the same socks. I guess he is so rich that he doesn't need to look like he is rich.

All this though, pales into insignificance with the liar. Now there's liars and there's just people who take the p***. Usually it's the middle-aged suit - boot geezer who comes out with the biggest large ones you've ever heard...and what can you do about it? Absolutely nothing.

The moment you open your mouth there's a embarrassing silence. Everyone thinks you’re stupid for challenging his authority because if nothing else he drives a better car than you do.

And if you’re really unlucky he brings his suit-boot son with him.

Time to rest in peace ladies and gentlemen. May Allah grant the dead heaven in the hereafter and give the families patience through there difficult times.